is there Life after Percocet?

What's Wrong?

2007-10-14T21:31:00.000-07:00

Is it okay to use a hair elastic to tie my cats back legs together, feed her catnip and throw a little furry toy across the room just to see her wiggle and trip?

I think so.

tuesday sept 18, 2007 - Paulo Cardoso

2007-09-18T06:38:00.000-07:00

:::::Tuesday September 18th, 2007: Montreal:::::

Yesterday was my good friend Paulo's birthday, he and I were business partners 4 years ago in a nightlife magazine called ONAVERSAL. unlike other past projects, this one was less of a disaster than the rest, granted we filled it with advertisers for a few issues just to take in some extra money, but, mainly it served as a massive networking tool for us as Djs and promoters. We found excuses to throw parties to help support both the issues and our budding DJ careers.

After that was done, we remained friends and actually probably became allot closer friends without the stresses of paying printers and organizing too many events with huge bottom lines and low margins for profit sheering. I admire my friend for his honest and true qualities as a close friend. But, not just to me, he is a fair person with everyone he meets, and is super careful for some reason not to get close or affiliated with s promotional company or any nightlife ars, restaurants or lounges/venues. This would eventually give him the freedom that I never understood that the time; no bars would argue with him if he was too busy to work that particular night because he never was officially on the payroll like allot of other Djs.

I have been similar to him in these efforts, and even though i have been DJing longer than most Djs form my town.city, I think we both learnt allot from each others attitudes and beliefs. good guy, he is 21 again! (31), and he will be moving here one of these years. When he does; LOOK OUT! cause we will be showing the city how its done:)

happy birthday my friend.

Colin

Apple Service call

2007-09-10T19:21:00.001-07:00

So....y'all know I am a pimp when it comes to being a DJ. this is mainly because i play music no one ever dares to play in a club, and i mix i into current favorites of mine. for example, i have been known to play the entire repertoire of sergeant pepper's throughout a set. hell i like it, and i keep getting booked so fuck ya. 
 anyway, I am a serato Dj, meaning i use my MAC to Dj with two turntables. its pretty sick and i carry a ton of music. some doosh bag ripped me off for my mac last month, so i got it replaced with the Cadilac of Macs. this thing is supped to the tits with ram and space and ..uh...stuff that makes it work well and fast.  i usually back my shit up once per month due to accidents and general paranoia when it comes to losing my music, which = my livelihood. so I am three days from backing everything, keeping in mind its a brand new mac right? right. so um. my hard drive catches fire when im watching one of my Sci-fi geek shows on DVD and it melts the inside of my laptop. 

 the following is the type up dialogue from my conversation with Macintosh that same evening: 

 hello, thanks for calling apple-care, where our absolute priority is to frustrate you to the point of chemical suicide. my name is cunt-bag, can i help assist you with your morphine drip or change your diaper? 

 C- yes I am calling because my Mac is on fire, star-gate season 9 has melted and i am about to lose all my weekly income because i need the music that is stored on my HD. 

 M - ahh.. well, you see that is going to be a problem because you're absolutely shit out of luck, and i hate you. 

 C - well, um..that IS going to be a problem cut-bag, may I call you Miss Bag? 

 M - No 

 c - okay, Cunt it is. 

 M - great 

 C - so, im gonna need a new mac from my nearest store asap so i can get to work in Quebec city and program my music no the way. 

 m - you see that IS going to be difficult because we hate you, as i just said. 

 C - no, you aid YOU hate me, not "we"... 

 M - well, same diff man, you're shit out of luck, and i hate star-gate, so ...well..go fuck yourself Mr White. our policy, as stated in your user agreement is no matter what happens, we are to make you want to DIE. i have here your signature from your apple-care agreement stating that you're a total loser for watching star-gate and you'll probably never ever get laid again, because you're a geek who watches Sci-fi...and oh ya, your little sister in Toronto sucks too cause she like the X files. 

 C - um..im confused. What does my sister have to do with this.? and why do you have to use the words GET LAID and SISTER in the same sentence? its sort of making me want to puke in my own mouth and swallow it back down. 
 m - Thats the MAC way sir. you're done, no mac ...or at least not by this weekend pal. 
 C - its 4 days away, surely i can go to my nearest outlet and just replace it. 
 m - Absolutely sir, sorry i wasn't clear. just bring a credit card with a high limit, or approx. 2600 cash and we will get you your free replacement. I think this is fair. and by the way, thats the only way yowl get a new one by this weekend. 
 C - okay, this isn't good. how can i get my new one without paying? 
 m - oh thats easy too, just put it in a box, make sure its sealed well, waterproofed and launched off your 6th story balcony. then, once it has reach bottom, you are required to crawl in 4 miles of hot ashes mixed with urine and shit. when you get to the end, turn left and go fuck yourself. 
 C - thanks very much.
 END OF CALL 
 so there you have it, life is great, MAC is great. Its too bad we cannot live without them, cause at this pint i was willing to pay anything for it. and i DID. great . 
 so im on my new mac now without any music...but i just found star-gate online for free on stage6.divx.com for free..something had to give. 
 its a beautiful life.
 C

A hiku for charlotte

2007-09-10T19:09:00.000-07:00

Birds poo on walking people

white spatters on jacket & shoes

fat chicks smell really bad

cause they're fucking pigs.

Rx

Lost friends

2007-08-18T22:58:00.000-07:00

It seems that my 33rd year of life ina very memorable one. not only did i lose a close childhood friend and buddy that i have kept close with throughout the years, but the other day another friend of mine that i used to work with passed away in a motorcycle accident.

high speeds, risks, adrenaline and stunts... all ego driven, i suppose. i cant really knock it, because if I had a bike and some extra cash i may have ended up like poor Deeb too. Deeb was one of those firends who had a hard serious face all the time, even in joking times.most people or employers at first glance thought the attitude was too much, but if you knew him he was all heart. deeb worked with me at pyramid nightclub for a short while while we all suffered under a bad owners rule...he also worked for abbis at space but never really did well in a dress shirt. he always looked pissed off wearing a gorilla suit :)

Tariq Shah will forever be etched in my mind; he was such aclose friend, the kind who skipped school with me, even tough he was in grade 8 when i was in grade 10/11, he was just like all the peeps our age. and a KILLER pool husstler. he could take your last dollar instantly in one turn.

aside form this talen he had many others, the ability to talk to anyone,con anyone, sell anything (always a fair price), the guy was unstopable in his craft of fraud. he made it looks like an art where most would just get caught. He would get caught when it suited him and when the charges were minimal. if he got caught for everything h did, we never would have seen him at all. its not that i admire him for his crimnal skils, its that anything he decide dot put his whole brain into would work perfectly, he just happened to only like that stuff.

his background was non-economical and financial freedom was a main goal for him. he cared a great deal for everyone he knew, even those he had just met. he always felt terible for putting his parents through all these legal experiences, but this was HIS craft, and no matter what, in the edn he made sure that money was where/when it needed to be.
i loved this person, so did my father, pam and a lots of others. Noonoo was also fond of him, and has sufered allot since his death, which mind you has been virtually unexplained thus far.

goodnight.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007 This WAS NOT a banana peel...

2007-07-31T14:10:00.000-07:00

Good God...I am so new at this, so it will take me a while to become a proper writer. For now, I tell my stories exactly how I felt when they happen, so you'll have to excuse my shitty writing style. Thie style is similar to a retarded 6 yr old. I care not what yo think though, cause this SHITE life I seem to experience is my own, and writing this crap just makes me feel a little better :)

So..i am a very successful nightclub DJ, and have been since the early 90's, when Ottawa only had 5 or so DJ's. We cornered the market backj then and made all the real money until everybody's best friends post man's son's best friend became a DJ. These little pukes in Ottawa actually under-cut all the good Dj's and will volunteer to play for free or at the very least take mine and other GOOD dj's price and play for a quarter of the cost. Im sure this is because there are no really good DJ's who have moved out from their parent's houses yet, so they do not have to pay bills and have no real grasp of money.its funny because I am probably one of two DJ's who can come to Ottawa to spin and still make5 to 10 times more than anyone currently makes. mind you it took a little while for the venue owners to actually realize that when they hire me, they get a kick ass creative and technical DJ who can read a dancefloor and help them sell booze. that is the key here, selling booze. if you can do that, you will be the most successful Dj. if you cannot, then you're just like all the current Ottawa bar/club DJs, Pathetic. I don't suppose I shouild have given that away because it is a secret that no one seems to grasp. Bringing a small crowd is good for the club, but most of the people a Dj brings get free booze anyway. All the cheap people hang with the Dj, sampling and taking our sloppy seconds (in all aspects). If you build anight and push for barsales, you will never be out of a job, and will be in high demand like i still am.

I have a great time when I dj, I get to travel, stay in 5 star hotels, enjoy the train/plane rides, meet new people for other new gigs and rock thousands of people a week i do have ONE big secret to making cash as a DJ, and it will remain a secret for as long as I DJ. i will pass it on to someone once i am done with this job. I dont want to get into the fake Djs (the people who use CDs or premixed music to make them seem better than they are...its funny how many times I have gone to a club and hear MY CD playing with the Dj looking hard at work-faking it)

So, anyway, I did a gig at this pool hall/entertainment center in Montreal. A really high end place with some of the best decor I have seen here, in a bar or nightclub, the place is mint. after 3 long weeks of negotiations through one of my agents, I show up to play. Its roughly 11pm on a weekend night and the venue os busy! this suits me just fine as I begin to set up my serato system. the manager comes over and offers me dinner and anything i want to drink (another perc of the business).

I am introduced to the owner and all the staff, which I personally like having done when I am at a new venue, because If you are on their good side youll always be remembered and rarely will you be ignored when you get thirsty or hungry.

I am wearing a 200$ Ben Sherman shirt, new Diesel jeans and collector's edition kicks that I had never worn yet (there is nothing more stupid looking that a Dj wearing their gym clothes and track pantsto work- you are supposed to set musical trends as well as be a good example to the latest fashon and technical toys like blackberries and watches-it's just assumed that we know more about this stuff because we are always performing). so, I am wearing about $1,400 in clothing and accessories, and looking sharp I might add. During my first hour, I warm up the crowd with recocnizable music, but nothing too energetic and exciting, this keeps them atkthe bar and off the floor, and that is a good thing.

After three waters and a Red Bull, my signature drink, my bladder is hating me, I put on a longer song that mixes into a few more, just in case...I learnt this the hard way. Havign Chron's can lead to some pretty evil surprizes while at work. but diet and routine can really help you adjust well.

I ask where the washrooms are and one of the bartenders points in its general direction.....I took the long way round so I could see the entire place properly, and WOW! this place is super nice and it looks like they spent a ton on their fit-up, a beautiful lounge with massive flat HDTV's everywhere, plush leather customazed furniture, dim lighting to bring out the sexy look of the place, stainless steal bars with some intermitant stoned walls and a fast serving kitchen (no I am not being paid to say nice things!). I checked out the selection of 75 new pool tables, a nice small VIP room that you can rent out for small parties, a really nice bowling alley located at the back, through some other doors. Everything here looks great, and the staff and some patrons already have taken notice of me being out of my booth walking about. I coudl only imagine what the bathrooms would look like in a classy place like this. in Ottawa even, the nice places have even nicer bathrooms; I have always judged a place by the state of the bathroms, the smell, how often i see a staff member cleaning the stalls and changing paper and soaps etc...I am not a big fan of haveing to pay a washroom attendant to wipe my ass and check for a hernia, but I have little choice at some venues. I just think that there are soem many ways we spend our cash at bars and casinos and after lossing a few hundred at a casino, the last thing that will make me feel better is some twit in a tuxedo looking like the James Bond of the commode.

I opened the door to the bathrooms marked by a stick figure of a man and immediately I could almost taste the three week old urine on my tounge. I am not talking about asparagus infectoed pee, Im talking about a vile smell that was worsened only by the 3 inches of flooded floor tiles with a drain in the center of the room that did not work. I quickly decided that I had little choice but to wade over to a stall and try a more private area to go do my business, and meanhile I took notice of the last song of mix mix coming on. With 3 minutes and 50 seconds remaining to mix nack at my booth, i just jeld my breath and sped through the place trying all the while not to bump into the group of people who happened to just hang out in this urine infested bathroom. I flew past them, the stall eagerly awaiting me with open doors, I am not sure exactl when went from sliding across the floor "pewee herman-style" to actually face planting into a horizontal slide, but it happened and it lasted quite a long time. I was lying in 13 cm. of pee pee, doing a snow angel-or maybe a PEE angel, trying to claw at anything to pull myself up. the rooom fell absolutley silent...even the chatty bathroom hang out kids decided it was time to leave.

If you have trouble imagining what had just happened, try to think of 150 people peeing on your face, hands, shirt, pants and shoes. OH MY GOD.

I was mortified. This feeling only worsened by the walk to the boss's office past everyone. while I try to explain why i need to go home and not come back.

Good times - This is nothing in the grand sceme of things, I am sure I will have plenty of horrifying work and personal stories for you.

later

Toilet Balls of Doom

2007-07-28T21:41:00.000-07:00

Nice title for this BLOG...

Although the words "toilet" and "balls" probably trigger some deep disgusting sexual tale from your past, I assure you that This "CLOUD OF DOOM" story is not exactly going to paint a pretty picture in your mind, but, all these stories are funny and would make a damn good movie.

NOON, earlier today:

I was watching DVDs on my MACbook in bed, feeling a bit crappy and all of a sudden I had this horrible familiar feeling like someone was scratching at my intestins and inner stomach. Like swallowing razor blades or my best friend's Voostoff knives, the pain is so uncomfortable.

*I have chron's desease, so I have these flair ups that sometimes pass quickly, others may stay for weeks.

I was an olympic athlete today; I hopped out of bed - laptop in hand and raced to my second favorite spot in the house. Anyway, all systems were a go, 3 seconds more and I jwould have had to go buy new underwear.

So after hurricane Colin subsided, as usual I got back to watching Stargate on the laptop. I had no intention of drip-drying, but I had to wait a bit longer. I have had too many false ending to my toilet visits lately - where I usually have to run right back and piss out my ass some more.

What I had forgotten was the old courtesy flush. This serves two purposes; 1) It helps the stench evaporate, preserving life a little longer in the can. 2) When you have chron's you end up tripling your usage of TP (toilet paper), thereby increasing your chance of blocked commode.

Engrossed in Stargate, I went about my usual clean-up regiment while Colonel Jack O'Neil saved planet Earth for the 9Th time. I flushed, getting ready for round two of post-poo leakage control. I had the volume on the computer up as loud as possible because the sound of a flushing toilet pisses me off when I am watching a show in there. I didn't notice the rising of the bowl water.

When I looked down I saw floating shit-NO, wait.. it was my ball sack that was floating, and on a huge turd too. So fucking disgusting. Nobody like Shit-Balls, and worse than that I had the gross job of cleaning myself up in the shower right after. This is disgustingly familiar. remind me to write about my 18Th birthday 15 years ago...

This is just a snippet of my life, the highlights. the fact that these are highlights is sad in itself.

so my advice;

1 or 2 courtesy flushes (even during will help)
If you have greasy ass leakage after your shit, just keep wiping.
Make DAMN sure you flush allot if this is the case.
This applies even more importantly if you are a guest in some one's home!
If you have balls, don't let them float on turds. never.

SNL Chris Rock Cloud of Doom, July 28, 2007

2007-07-28T21:04:00.000-07:00

Time after time when O see or hear Chris Rock on TV hosting a show or doing stand-up, I enjoy the first 45 seconds. This is right before he goes into the same old "how come black people are the first actors to die in a movie" bit or his usual insinuations that everyone hates black people. I figured that the more people say things like this, the further we regress to a time when those comments actually held water. Times have changed and granted, some people are still not forward-thinking individuals who are hung up on decades of in-breeding and non education, but most ( I would like to think ) have finally realized that the word "nigger" or any other derogatory or racist comments have been laid to rest.

In fact only 2 weeks ago, the NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Colored People) held a mock-funeral parade and service for this word, to finally put it to rest. Black ribbons were given out to spark a massive public relation opportunity. Its nice to think that politicians and other people of power and influence supported this event because they believed in this symbolic end to a shameful chapter of Earth's life. I do fear slightly that the main motivation for these companies and political snobs was the for-mentioned marketing opportunity.

Now, back to Chris Rock on SNL:

Nothing pisses me off more than people who cannot read a tele-prompter. There isn't really any excuse; one does not have to "act" and Chris had plenty of time to prepare and read it all in advance. Luckily it is a comedy show, and by this I mean it is sometimes funny to watch a pro fuck everything up so terribly. On SNL this happens allot and they usually cannot contain themselves from laughter. This is entertainment and totally honest laughter because embarrassing each other on a stage has always been very amusing, and I am willing to bed the ratings go up when they make funny mistakes. This states in another way that we are all the same and make mistakes. They just paid millions a year to fuck up and have fun.

So Chris did everything that could possible go wrong in the SNL intro skit. He read a punch-line first and then the joke after. He would start reading at the wrong spot and would stutter every time he screwed the pooch. I was waiting for a new line from him: "why do black people stutter?". If that was the case I am pretty sure I would fly to NYC and punch him in the testicles!

So to wrap up:

FUCK him.

Colin

Cloud of Doom (introduction) July 28, 2007

2007-07-28T20:41:00.000-07:00

For starters,

Each blog title will describe and/or highlight some horrifying part(s) of my day. I can honestly say in my new BLOG that it is rare to even have an hour of success or progress without something horribly embarrassing occurring. I have a great life in everyone elses eyes; I have the coolest job, I am in the public eye and I am engaged to the best and most beautiful woman.

With all the little things happening to me and all around me, I take the time to reflect and thank some sort of higher power for Jennifer being in my life. I am 99% sure that without my support system, things COULD actually get worse; Something I find impossible to imagine.

So I should also warn you that profanity is a large part of my existence, and a rather substantial lack of moral conscience, so If you are under the age of 18 and you happen to be reading this, I totally support you. Fuck everyone who censors my words!

I should also point out that all stories are 100% true. The dates may be inaccurate, but anything you read has ACTUALLY happened to me. It probably sounds like an empty promise, but you will soon see that nobody would ever admit to some of these stories unless they were true. I will speak about my background little by little in each blog.

Thanks for the read, You have made a huge mistake and will most likely live a very depressing life if you keep reading. Or, the complete opposite; you may thank the lord you are not me and begin to appreciate your own life.

So...fuck all this talking, let's get this going.