one small step bowels, and a giant flush!

Apple Service call

So....y'all know I am a pimp when it comes to being a DJ. this is mainly because i play music no one ever dares to play in a club, and i mix i into current favorites of mine. for example, i have been known to play the entire repertoire of sergeant pepper's throughout a set. hell i like it, and i keep getting booked so fuck ya.


anyway, I am a serato Dj, meaning i use my MAC to Dj with two turntables. its pretty sick and i carry a ton of music. some doosh bag ripped me off for my mac last month, so i got it replaced with the Cadilac of Macs. this thing is supped to the tits with ram and space and ..uh...stuff that makes it work well and fast.

i usually back my shit up once per month due to accidents and general paranoia when it comes to losing my music, which = my livelihood. so I am three days from backing everything, keeping in mind its a brand new mac right? right.
so um. my hard drive catches fire when im watching one of my Sci-fi geek shows on DVD and it melts the inside of my laptop.



the following is the type up dialogue from my conversation with Macintosh that same evening:



hello, thanks for calling apple-care, where our absolute priority is to frustrate you to the point of chemical suicide. my name is cunt-bag, can i help assist you with your morphine drip or change your diaper?



C- yes I am calling because my Mac is on fire, star-gate season 9 has melted and i am about to lose all my weekly income because i need the music that is stored on my HD.


M - ahh.. well, you see that is going to be a problem because you're absolutely shit out of luck, and i hate you.


C - well, um..that IS going to be a problem cut-bag, may I call you Miss Bag?


M - No


c - okay, Cunt it is.


M - great


C - so, im gonna need a new mac from my nearest store asap so i can get to work in Quebec city and program my music no the way.


m - you see that IS going to be difficult because we hate you, as i just said.


C - no, you aid YOU hate me, not "we"...


M - well, same diff man, you're shit out of luck, and i hate star-gate, so ...well..go fuck yourself Mr White. our policy, as stated in your user agreement is no matter what happens, we are to make you want to DIE. i have here your signature from your apple-care agreement stating that you're a total loser for watching star-gate and you'll probably never ever get laid again, because you're a geek who watches Sci-fi...and oh ya, your little sister in Toronto sucks too cause she like the X files.



C - um..im confused. What does my sister have to do with this.? and why do you have to use the words GET LAID and SISTER in the same sentence? its sort of making me want to puke in my own mouth and swallow it back down.


m - Thats the MAC way sir. you're done, no mac ...or at least not by this weekend pal.


C - its 4 days away, surely i can go to my nearest outlet and just replace it.


m - Absolutely sir, sorry i wasn't clear. just bring a credit card with a high limit, or approx. 2600 cash and we will get you your free replacement. I think this is fair. and by the way, thats the only way yowl get a new one by this weekend.


C - okay, this isn't good. how can i get my new one without paying?


m - oh thats easy too, just put it in a box, make sure its sealed well, waterproofed and launched off your 6th story balcony. then, once it has reach bottom, you are required to crawl in 4 miles of hot ashes mixed with urine and shit. when you get to the end, turn left and go fuck yourself.


C - thanks very much.

END OF CALL


so there you have it, life is great, MAC is great. Its too bad we cannot live without them, cause at this pint i was willing to pay anything for it. and i DID. great .


so im on my new mac now without any music...but i just found star-gate online for free on stage6.divx.com for free..something had to give.


its a beautiful life.

C

Toilet Balls of Doom

Nice title for this BLOG...

Although the words "toilet" and "balls" probably trigger some deep disgusting sexual tale from your past, I assure you that This "CLOUD OF DOOM" story is not exactly going to paint a pretty picture in your mind, but, all these stories are funny and would make a damn good movie.

NOON, earlier today:

I was watching DVDs on my MACbook in bed, feeling a bit crappy and all of a sudden I had this horrible familiar feeling like someone was scratching at my intestins and inner stomach. Like swallowing razor blades or my best friend's Voostoff knives, the pain is so uncomfortable.

*I have chron's desease, so I have these flair ups that sometimes pass quickly, others may stay for weeks.

I was an olympic athlete today; I hopped out of bed - laptop in hand and raced to my second favorite spot in the house. Anyway, all systems were a go, 3 seconds more and I jwould have had to go buy new underwear.

So after hurricane Colin subsided, as usual I got back to watching Stargate on the laptop. I had no intention of drip-drying, but I had to wait a bit longer. I have had too many false ending to my toilet visits lately - where I usually have to run right back and piss out my ass some more.

What I had forgotten was the old courtesy flush. This serves two purposes; 1) It helps the stench evaporate, preserving life a little longer in the can. 2) When you have chron's you end up tripling your usage of TP (toilet paper), thereby increasing your chance of blocked commode.

Engrossed in Stargate, I went about my usual clean-up regiment while Colonel Jack O'Neil saved planet Earth for the 9Th time. I flushed, getting ready for round two of post-poo leakage control. I had the volume on the computer up as loud as possible because the sound of a flushing toilet pisses me off when I am watching a show in there. I didn't notice the rising of the bowl water.

When I looked down I saw floating shit-NO, wait.. it was my ball sack that was floating, and on a huge turd too. So fucking disgusting. Nobody like Shit-Balls, and worse than that I had the gross job of cleaning myself up in the shower right after. This is disgustingly familiar. remind me to write about my 18Th birthday 15 years ago...

This is just a snippet of my life, the highlights. the fact that these are highlights is sad in itself.

so my advice;

1. 1 or 2 courtesy flushes (even during will help)
2. If you have greasy ass leakage after your shit, just keep wiping.
3. Make DAMN sure you flush allot if this is the case.
4. This applies even more importantly if you are a guest in some one's home!
5. If you have balls, don't let them float on turds. never.